Friday, March 13, 2009

Say what?

There are phrases I have said in the last 3 yrs and 10 months that just never ever figured into the equation. I just never dreamed, ever, what Mothering would be like. It's hard to imagine what something is REALLY going to be like before you actually do it. When I worked as a buyer for accessories, it wasn't quite what I thought it would be when I was studying away for my Fashion Merchandising degree at IUP. But still, it was on the same plain of reality and logic that I had been on for quite a few years. My duties were orderly and reasonable. It wasn't like this. Even hearing that parenthood is nothing what you expect doesn't prepare you for such unexpectedness. Laying awake at night, stroking that big, pregnant belly and dreaming of what it will like doesn't even get close. Yes, you imagine that you will love the child like nothing you have loved before, and that certainly is true. And still doesn't measure up to the actual all-encompassing love that materializes. But I'm talking about how you imagine you will parent and interact with your child. Scared or not, judgemental or not, I'm sure you, like me, dreamed of picture perfect days filled with painting gardenscapes, exploring nature, cuddling to cartoons. And of course, lovingly teaching them the ways of acceptable conduct. Ooops! I think I just snorted my coffee through my nose on that one. I mean, what the hell was I thinking? I just had no idea what sort of things I would actually be saying to my children. No clue, really.

These for instance:
Ahhh, look at all this poo!
Poop goes into the toilet, not onto the floor.
Did you put an acorn in your pee pee?
Your Noggin isn't broken (and not be talking about their head!.)
We keep our clothes on when we are visiting our friends.
We don't wear pajamas in the shower.
Rocks can hurt heads.
You need bam bams for the boo boo's on your ba-ba's?
Dog food is for doggies!

Or even the mundane things that you somewhat expected to say, just not 5 times a day, every day for 2 years:

crayons are for paper, not walls!
don't hit your sister!

I mean, really? I just had no clue! And then there are the things you ask your friends, things you thought you were never care about, let alone discuss:

How often does your baby poop?
What happened to your nipples?
How do you get 32 ounces of maple syrup out of the carpet?

I mean really, who knew? Ok, for the couple of people who read this regularly, please share with me a few of your "I can't believe I am saying this!" phrases. Show me I'm not alone, and give me a chuckle!


Krazy Kat Lady said...

Um, you could have warned me about this post before I read it. I have 3 weeks left, is now the appropriate time to scare me? :)

Jenny Henny said...

sorry, my dear!

Valerie said...

My top 5 includes:
5. Get down from there.
4. You cannot poop in the sandbox.
3. You are 2 years old. Act like it!
2. No, you cannot sniff the toilet paper after you have wiped your bum.
1. Why are you licking the dining room furniture?

Ahhh... the joys of parenthood.

Ivy said...

My favorite so far is..."Don't stand on your brother's neck!!!!" I wish I could tell you it gets better as they get older, but it just gets more surreal.

Dumblond said...

"We do not put worms in our mouth!"
"Do not put salt in the peanut butter!"
"My nail polish is not wall paint!!"
You are most definitely not alone.

mechmom said...

"Don't shoot your sister in the head." (nerf gun)