Remember Me?

So, ummmmm, uh, Hi. How have you been? Good to hear... yes, I know, I know. It has been a while. And yes, to be honest, I guess I have been avoiding you. Sorry about that. But really, it's not you, it's me. No, really, it is. I mean yeah, you could post a few more comments or link me to your blog, but that's not it, not really. It's me.

I feel like I owe you an explanation. Remember one of my first posts where I told you I get really excited about things, and then drop them? Yeah, that's happening. Sorry about that. I've been really busy though. Yeah, I mean So You Think You Can Dance takes up two whole nights, and then the rest I've been really busy eating ice cream. Scooping up that vanilla and adding that Hershey syrup just right takes TIME.

So what have I been up to? Well, lets see. My girls have been my girls. Crazy. Into lots of stuff. Lots and lots of stuff. There was a Benadryl scare that required taking them both to the ER. Double bills for the ER - now that is a good time. And yes, thankfully they were fine. There was a beach vacation that was wonderful. The girls are now tanned beach babes. D2 has no fear, and D1 worked off some of hers along the shoreside. Took a visit to Assateague Island to see the wild horses. Yep, driving an extra 90 minutes to see 5 horses in the parking lot was pretty priceless. Vacation ended badly with a lot of blue nail polish being painted all over our rental home's bathroom - and D1. That was a good time. My family hit a new high on the gluttony scale. I believe it was 15 pizzas, 5 large Thrashers, 4 large orders of wings and like 100 ice cream cones.

My garden has now hit a full time season of neglect. The squash bugs and mold should be abolishing all hopes of vegetables shortly. The plans for next year have been set in place: a new plot of grass and a veggie co-op from one of the nearby farms. I can't wait for good tasting fresh vegetables and all that new grass!

There was a good week of a cold/flu thing. Left me trembling in bed for several days, forgetting the 90+ degrees outside and thinking it just had to be the middle of February.

Now that it is August, can you believe it is freaking August?, We are trying to jam pack every last thing we wanted to accomplish this summer into 4 short weeks. Lake Tobias, pool days, local zoo days, cave exploring, ice cream parlor hunting and fire fly collecting. Not to mention my personal goal of drinking down at least a dozen more Gin N Tonics (sighhhhh.... I think I've only had one this entire summer!)

So that's been our summer so far. And I promise, I'll keep in touch!

Hay is for Horses

So as we pulled into the driveway, D1 spied the bale of straw I just bought sitting next to the garage. It's for my slacker garden. The garden that will become the garden of neglect by the end of the summer - a tradition two years in the making. Anyways, D1 asks "why do we have hay". And as a responsible Mother I reply "hay is for horses". I mean, what else was I going to say? But I couldn't stop there. I told her "we bought a horse. It's sleeping in your room. I'm not sure where you will sleep tonight". In the half second of forethought before I made this statement I figured she would whine that she wanted her bed, and I would simply tell her that I was joking. But she didn't whine, she got excited. Started talking about feeding it apples,sharing her bed with it and going for rides on it. I could have stopped there, but I didn't, I went with it. As we walked into the house, she nearly knocked me over trying to get upstairs. I braced myself for the tears. Instead, she yelled down "Mom, I can't find her!, Where is she!" I told her to look in my room "She's not there, Mom!" So I went upstairs and said to my dear D1 "now silly, do you really think Mommy put a horse in your room?" And her reply? "Oh yeah, right. It's in the yard?"

Face Book Reject

So as I mentioned last week, I am addicted to Facebook. I have 142 friends. My hubby has 248. We competed for a time, but he obviously won. I update my status once or twice or ten times a day. I post photos, I look at other people's photos and leave comments. You get the idea, I'm hooked.

So yesterday, I was paging through my list of friends and I noticed something - a "friend", a boy I dated in 9th grade. Well, wait, let me correct that: he asked me to "go out with him" we talked on the phone and walked to a couple of classes together. I never knew what to say to him, we had long awkward silences then about 2 weeks into the relationship (ahem) I had my friend break up with him. He then went on to become a tough boy punk rock kind of dude and was forever rude to me, until like 12th grade when he started speaking to me again. And no, I'm not saying that my breakup from our intense relationship caused all that, I'm just saying that's what he was like. So he ended up living and working in some big city and being single and leading some kind of interesting life that I really wouldn't want to lead. Anyways, I'm talking in circles, aren't I? Are you wondering where this is going? Yeah, so am I. Ok, back to my point. This "friend" had de-friended me! He was no longer on my list! So I searched his name. He still had a profile and he still had 209 friends. 209 of his closest, dearest friends, so close that he obviously didn't have room for little ol' me to be his 210th. What a blow to the ego! I mean do I care about him? Of course not. Do I need to know anything more about him? Nope. But still, I was rejected on Facebook! Was it my lame suburban housewife comments that got to him? Was it my incessant droning on about my crazy kids? Was he only keeping cool city hipsters on his list? What could it have been? Am I not one of the cool kids? Did he hold with him my pathetic rejection for the past 20 years, and finally had his moment to get back at me? Was it the stupid tests I kept taking that annoyed him - could he no longer read what kind of fairy I was or what name I should have been named? Or did he look through my photos and get some satisfaction in the knowledge that I gained more weight than he since school, and now he could move on? What was it?! Why would he defriend me?!

And yes, this is what went through my head as I prepared dinner last night. Facebook has reverted me back to a socially insecure highschooler. The horror.

Easter

As a little laugh before Easter, I thought I would post an email I sent to a friend right after Easter 2006. It was D1's first Easter, and in honor of that, Hubby and I decided to host our very first Holiday dinner with Hubby's family - his parents, brother and his girlfriend, Grandmother, Aunt and Uncle and Cousins. We were going to try to fit all those people into our tiny little house and impress the heck out of them with our well cooked food and great hospitality.

And of course, that's not how it went:

My Easter was a disaster. It started Saturday - my sciatica started giving me trouble, which it hasn't bothered me in probably 2 years, but it kicked in, so I totally didn't get half the stuff done that I needed. So Sunday started with me way behind. Luckily Hubby's Bro and his girlfriend came early and helped. But still I was behind. 30 mins before everyone was coming, I was just getting around to putting the ham in the oven. Before I could do this, we spied my neighbor (house behind me) passing out and falling to the ground. I ran over first, with Hubby a few seconds behind. We thought he was dead - so scary. Here he's diabetic and passed out from that. He hit his head on the driveway pretty hard and was bleeding. So we called 911. Then while we were waiting for them, I drove over to his church (very funny - me and an all black baptist church) to get his wife. Needless to say, I was a little frazzled by that. So I opened up the wine :) and started drinking :) drinking a little too much, to be exact :) Well, all the food managed to get into the oven, late, but that was ok. Then everything but the pineapple stuffing was done, so we decided to start with the salad while that finished up. Hubby complained to me that he was worried about the stuffing because it was dripping, and the oven was a little smokey. I told him not to worry about it. A few minutes later he checked on it again, and oooops! The oven was on fire. Really bad. We all had to leave the house and Hubby had to use the fire extinguisher on the oven (still haven't cleaned it yet - yuck!). It wasn't too horrible, actually. I think we only had to wait @30 mins before we could go back into the house :) Luckily Ham tastes good cold. Next, I decide to toast D1 for her excellent gene pool, and manage to drop my entire glass of wine all over Hubby's plate. Hmmmmm..... who do you think was angry by this point? Then, I find the whole event hilarious, so I go upstairs to take care of D1 and decide to call my parents, forgetting of course that the monitor was on. A classy kind of day :) I'm lucky my husband is still speaking to me.

I wanted to talk to you, I have great visions for D1's Bday party and wanted your advice. I'm hoping this time the fire will be elevated to the point of needing fire trucks. Every kid loves fire trucks :)No seriously, wanted to talk to you about baking and stuff.
And that was our first try at Holiday Entertaining! We haven't done an Easter at our house since.

Happy Easter, and if you're hosting, here's hoping it is Smoke Free!

Remember Me?

So, It's been a while, I know. Sorry about that. I went away for a while. No, the place I went didn't end in "psychiatric center" or "rehab" or anything like that. Nope, my wonderful In-laws took the whole family to a Beaches Resort in The Turks and Caicos. It was AMAZING. Amazing. Really. A beautiful resort. Beautiful room. Breath-taking beaches. Wonderful service. The weather was perfect. 80's, sunny, breezy. Perfect, really. We had a large cast of characters with us. Hubby's whole family - parents, brother, sister-in-law, grandmother, Aunt, Uncle, two cousins, and us. 13 of us to be exact. Lots of mishaps, crying, laughing, drinking and lots and lots and lots of EATING. I felt like I was on cloud nine for four whole nights and days. My children were adorable, my husband was attentive and funny. The sun was shining, the heavens sang down on us. God, was it wonderful. Exactly what I needed to get myself out of a late winter slump.

Then we came back. Funny thing about vacations - they end. My Mother generously offered to come the day after we got back to help with the kids and let me rest after a long and late flight home. Well, ok, so I begged her to come. It was still generous of her to show up! My kids were, ummm, how do I say? A handful once we got back? A little out of sorts? Absolute monsters? Yeah, I think the last one is most precise. The plan for my Mom was to come and stay overnight then leave the next morning. Well, the next morning I was hit with an absolutely blinding and debilitating migraine. The sweet angel I call Mom put me to bed, gave me pills to knock me out, and took care of the monsters, errr, girls while I slept. I was in and out of consciousness that day. So I heard bits and pieces of life for my Mom. Actually, I felt like I was easedropping on myself for a day. Varying voices wafted up to me. Calm but stern ones, yelps of surprise. Hollers of "No"! The ever present phrases of my life "why would you DO that?" and "stop". Eerily familiar statements that I've been saying way too often, but haven't heard my Mom utter in at least 25 years.
Feeling better that evening, I hung with my Mom on the couch, chatting for a while. She informed me that I don't give justice to this blog. That I could be writing so much more! She, in fact, could write an entire book on just that one day! The wrestling, the fighting, the fibbing, the messes, the running, screaming, screeching, playing, dancing, scratching,pulling hair, singing chaos that is a day with my dear D1 and D2! And, best of all, she has promised me to testify on my behalf that they do not act this way because I'm upstairs locked in my room manicuring my nails all day! Nope, the things they do really happen in split seconds. VALIDATION!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay Me! So, if you don't believe one of my posts that says I really was just gone for a minute, then you go ask my Mommy!

I know

So, I just want you to know that I know. Ok? I know my hair looks like shit. I have a hair appt for next Saturday, ok? I know, What's up with it, right? It's the freaking water here, that's what's up. The hard water in the Lehigh Valley is doing some serious beauty damage here. My stylist told me to start using a shampoo for color treated hair, said it would help my hair from turning this weird brassy color. It helped, sort of. But maybe I bought the wrong kind? It's totally making my hair look greasy and limp. Ok, ok, I know, I know that's not the only problem with my hair. I'm WAAAAYYYY over due on the hair dye thing. My grey roots are to my ears. I KNOW. And yes, I know if I took the time to blow dry it after my shower it wouldn't do this weird flippy thing. Yeah, I know. But if I'm using the hair dryer, then I have no idea what D1 is up to, and I already took a huge risk of house damage simply by taking a shower. Besides, the hair dryer could wake up D2, then I would really be in shits creek.

Yes, yes, I know that if I took 3 extra minutes to apply some concealer and blush I would look awake and probably like 15 years younger. I know. But then D1 and D2 would want me to put make up on them, and it would become this long THING. This THING that would eventually turn into yelling. Anyways, most of my makeup brushes are completely ruined because D1 dipped them into lip gloss. And I'm not buying any new ones till they are in middle school, at least.

Of course, I know my shirt has a stain on it. There AND there. I know. It's just that if I bought a new one, it would be christianed with a stain within the first hour of wearing it. Yes, I know, if I was more careful, or treated the stain right away, it would wash out. I know this. I don't do this. I take the shirt off, run around half naked, and then forget to pre-treat the stain, because I'm yelling at the girls for emptying out my dresser.

So I just want you to know that I know, ok?

And knowing is half the battle, right?

Conversations with a Lunatic

So, this post is going to have no cohesion at all. Well, maybe a little, I mean, I'll try my best to have some sort of point. But I'm not making any promises. In fact, I can't even remember what I was planning on writing about. Crap. It's just that I would really like to post more, but D1 has become obsessed with Noggin.com, and if I come even close to the 'puter she starts screaming "I want my Noggin". Very annoying. So I try to store all this stuff in my head to write later, but later never happens.

Ok, I think I remember what I was going to write about. Here goes.

We are having our living room and dining room painted. I'm in love with the painter. I may ask her to marry me. I love that she's a woman, first of all. It's so much easier having her in the house. I don't care if she sees me in my jammies, and I don't even flinch too much when D1 decides to go streaking through the house. Plus, I have a real live grown up to talk to! She's very nice, and interesting, and responds in full sentences. I've been contemplating trapping her in my closet, and never letting her go. Ohhh, and in addition to painting, she also offers re-decorating services. She's one of those people who will take what you have, rearrange it, and make it look way better than it did before. I LOVE HER.

Ok, so that wasn't my point, either. My point was, that having someone else in the house has made me very aware of how I talk with the girls. Knowing that she is potentially listening, I actually HEAR our conversations more, like she, as a stranger hears them. The first thing I've become very aware of, is that I constantly refer to myself as Mommy, or Mama. You know, in the third person. Very annoying. I'm starting to wonder if I will start doing this with others. "Jen would like another martini" or "Jen will be ordering her filet rare tonight" Creepy. But then I was thinking, maybe it's a part of a whole denial type thing. Like, oh my god, I can't possibly be the mom here in this situation. I'm way too young and irresponsible to have two lives entrusted to me. I'm still in high school and planning on how to skip school, right? Denial is a strong force, but it shouldn't have to lead to such an annoying habit, right? Maybe my New Year's resolution will be to stop this. But, Jen will see, Jen has a lot of things she should resolve not to do. Jen thinks maybe this should be on the bottom of Jen's list.

Then, the other night at dinner, much loved painter was still there, working on the dining room, which is adjacent to the kitchen. The whole time I wondered if she could hear my conversation with D1 and D2 (husband was MIA). This I would have to list under things I never I thought I would have to say. Here are a few snippets to prove my point:

"D1, stop running laps around the table"
"D2, why did you put lentils in your hair"
"D1, where are your panties"
"D2, please don't put lentils in your ear"

I swear, I live in some bizarro alternate universe. How the hell did I get here?

The other thing I wanted to tell you about is my complete lack of conversation skills. I think I talked about this once before, but too bad, I'm going to do it again.

I can no longer hold a conversation. Part of the problem is that when I do actually get to talk to a real live grown up, either in person or on the phone, I'm very aware that my time to speak is very limited, interruptions can come at any moment, and very suddenly. You know how it is, your kids completely ignore you, till they see you are on the phone, or doing something more interesting than watch them watch tv. Maddening. But what has happened, is that even when I do have kid free talk time, I don't know how to hold a conversation. I talk rapid fire style, very loudly,(as if I'm talking over a screaming child) I skip from one subject to another, with no cohesion, rhyme or reason. Like a whore on crack. Not that I've ever been a whore on crack, nor to my knowledge have I ever spoken to one, but I'm certain talking to Jen is like talking to one.

Ok, I think I'm done, although I think there were a few more points I wanted to make. But now I forget.

Oh, one other thing. D2's verbal skills are really progressing. Of course I am proud of her, but a recent development has made me kind of sad. She has stopped her instinctive calling of MAA MAAA. It has been replaced with Mommy. Or rather, MOMMMMMIIIEEEEEE. Very cute, but a definite sign that she isn't a baby anymore. Makes me sad. Of course, I know the time will come very soon where I am called Mother, with eyes rolling and glaring. I should relish the Mommy's I hear called out.

Just one more thing. We've been going to Soccertots, which has been, well, interesting. Another Mom in D2's class is really nice, and I just love her daughter. A really easy going, happy little girl. But here's the thing. The Mom is pregnant, and I'm just dieing to ask what she is going to name her next child. Her first is named Dale. And it's been killing me NOT to ask if she will be naming the second Chip. I told hubby that the other day, and he said he'd divorce me if I asked. But come on, wouldn't you want to ask, too?

Alright, really, I'm done.

The Freaking Orange Napkins That Say BOO!

So do you watch the show "The New Adventures of Old Christine" ? I don't watch it every week, but I catch it often enough. I've always thought it very funny when they feature Christine's lousy skills at volunteering at her son's school.

Found it funny, but never really related to it. Until today. I'm certain what happened today will be relived on some psychiatrist's couch 30 years from now as D1 laments that her Mother never really cared.

D1 had her Halloween party today. Last week a sign up sheet was put up for the parents to volunteer to bring something - a snack, juice, prizes, treats, napkins, and plates. The usual kid party fare. I quickly rejected the treats, prizes and snacks because it sounded like way too much pressure. I mean, it was the first party and all, what was the right thing to bring? I didn't know. So I did the lame (and cheap!) thing, and volunteered to buy the napkins. Which I did, that same day, in fact. Actually had anxiety over picking them out. Should I have consulted with the buyer of the plates to make sure they coordinated? I didn't know. So I went out on a limb and paid $2.78 for two packs of orange napkins that said BOO!.

All I knew about the day of the party was that I dropped her off in her costume, then I came back 30 minutes earlier than normal to watch the kids parade around and then go back to their classroom to sing songs. Somehow I read into this that the party was along with the song singing. And actually, I put some thought into this the night before. Do I bring the napkins when I drop her off, or will I get eyes rolled at me? Am I suppose to bring them when I come to see the parade, so I can help set up?

I finally decided that I would bring them along with me when I was dropping her off, just in case.
That's what I decided last night. See, I put thought into it - ahead of time.

This morning involved the usual power struggles of eating breakfast, using the potty and fighting with her sister. Plus extra angst around getting dressed in her Princess costume. While I was changing D2's diaper, D1 went into my room to use my makeup. Because everyone knows that Princesses wear makeup. Remember? D1 comes out with blue and black smeared all over her face. Arghhhh. I only get about half of it off. Too pissed that she dipped my over priced eye make brushes into my lipstick. (any tips on getting those cleaned? Please, let me know!) Then there is the fight over what to wear under the Princess dress. I want leggings and a long sleeve top. She wants no top and black stockings. Arghhhh. We finally agree on a top and multi-colored tights. Fine. She's doesn't let me brush her hair. Fine.

Actually on time, I get both girls buckled into the car. As I'm backing up the car, I realize I forgot the freaking napkins. Should I go back? Nah, too cold out. I'll just bring them with me later.

As we pull up, I try to put her tiara on, she crys that it hurts her ears. Fine. Just carry it. Oh, and you broke the wand? Fine. Just carry it that way.

We line up outside the building, with the other Mom's and their costumed children. 8 other little girls. A cheerleader, little bo peep and 6 other freaking princesses. Perfectly coiffed Princesses. With clean, shiny faces, styled hair with bobby pinned tiara's, coordinating and warm under clothes. Princesses that Disney would be proud to call their own.

As we are entering the class, I see that all the other Mom's have brought along their assigned party paraphnelia. Beautiful orange cup cakes, goody bags overflowing with treats. Plates, cups, the whole caboodle. I tell the teacher that I will bring mine later, when we come back. She gives me a puzzled look then says "oh, we'll just use our plain napkins, because actually, the party is BEFORE the parade".

I ruined my daughter's first halloween party because she did not have Boo! napkins. I just know this will be used against me. And I'm expected to sleep tonight? You should have seen the looks of the other Mom's. The Mom's who managed to brush their daughter's hair and stuff goody bags. The Mom's who washed their child's faces and decorated cup cakes. You know what they were thinking. I know what they were thinking - it was written all over them. "She couldn't remember some freaking orange napkins?" "She ruined my child's party!"

I don't know how I will live this down. For the Christmas party I suppose I could volunteer for something big, like the goody bags. I could redeem myself by stuffing those bags to near breaking with Santa chatkes. But what if I volunteer, and like three days later I get a call from the room Mom? " Uh yeah, the rest of the Mom's were talking, and we're just not sure you're ready for this responsibility, after your poor performance at the Halloween party. This is just much too important to our 3 year old's lives, to just hand over such a responsibility to a Mom like you. Perhaps you should just take baby steps, and volunteer to bring in the plates"

The Horror.

Which One?

So Jen at Absolutely Bananas wants to know about our most embarrassing moment.

Hmmmmm.

God, I have so many of them. It's like asking a wine connoisseur to name her favorite wine. I mean, can it really be narrowed down to just one? Although, I have to say that since my Hubby arranged it so that I was put under lock down, I mean put into hiding, no, no, that is to say I've become a stay at home Mom, there haven't been that many embarrassing moments. Perhaps I've just become accustomed to them, or Motherhood has given me a new found sense of confidence and therefore life's little imperfect moments just don't phase me. Or maybe I just don't get out that much. Or I just don't get out that much, and after spending many months going out and bringing my boobs out for all to see, I just don't care about the little guffaws. ( No dumb ass, I don't bring 'em out for fun, I was referring to breastfeeding.)

There was most definitely a short period of time in my life when it seemed like I was just living one big embarrassing moment. It was the first year after college. The year I moved in with my husband (then boyfriend) ,adjusted to life in Staten Island and started my first real job. Well lets re-word that, because can anyone ever really adjust to life in Staten Island? If you weren't born and raised there, that is? I don't think so. I still shudder at the thought. Ughhhh.

There was the time I twisted my ankle crossing 5th ave. Fell right to the ground. Had people practically trampling me, without one offer of help.

There was that time I won a free turkey at a drawing from work. Had to lug that 20 pound frozen turkey down 5 blocks, through two subway trains, onto the SI ferry then onto a friggin bus. You haven't lived till you've been a NYC straphanger with a frozen dead bird wedged between your legs, sitting on the nasty subway floor(the bird, not me!).

Then there was that time the SI bus ate me. The back doors closed shut, with my feet on the outside, standing on the ground, while the rest of me was inside the bus. Just a little awkward.

Or the time I made it all the way home, through that long ass commute, only to have my husband point out to me that I had a big ol' rip in the back of my black skirt, showing off my white granny panties.

I could never forget the time I was running late for work. As I entered the large waiting area in the ferry terminal, I could see the doors begin to close. I ran for it. And in very sloooooowwwww mooootiiiiooonnn I could feel myself falling, yet I couldn't stop running. I ended up flying through the air super man style, then slid a couple more feet along the ground. Missed that damn ferry. But got to spend the next 30 minutes waiting with a man who helped me up. Told me I reminded him of his ex-girlfriend, the one that was a pro-wrestler.

And a favorite with my family - the late night ferry ride after a really bad day of work. Thought I'd treat myself to a beer. Ended up spilling the beer all over myself. As I was cleaning it off of my skirt, realized I was spraying it all over the Wall St guy across from me. So I asked him if he wanted some. He just stared. What was I to do? I bought another one, and then sat there laughing my ass off. Laughing my ass of to no one else. The Wall St guy moved to another seat. Guess he didn't want to be near the crazy chick talking to her self.


Yes, 1997 was a very good vintage.